Find a quiet place,
Close your eyes
And breathe deeply now,
In for 10,
Out for another.
What do you see?
What brings you peace?
A serene lake?
Do you feel a light breeze?
Bring your attention to your face,
Relax it now,
Keep your breathing
At a slow pace.
You still feel frazzled?
That’s okay, clear your mind and just
Lay.
Can’t stay focused!
Mind is racing,
Can’t stop thinking
Of the problems
I’m facing.
Refocus again,
Clear your head,
Let it pass!
All the anguish you feel…
It won’t last.
Some of you who read this blog may know that this month will mark four years since my dad passed away. This isn’t my first time talking about grief and losing my father. When I was in college, I even wrote an editorial about it and that was less than a year after his passing. I talked about how much I missed him and how I was initially eager for these feelings of grief to subside because they were so intrusive. However, by the end, I was able to appreciate the grief in a way. After all, what is grief if not recognition of the positive impact someone made on you? There’s something beautiful in that. In fact, I’d argue if I wasn’t grieving, that would be even sadder for different reasons.
When my dad passed, I was just starting my junior year of college. On top of my coursework, I was busy as an editor for the student-run newspaper. Effectively, I kept myself preoccupied to avoid really sitting with my feelings. On top of that, my dad was my go-to person for advice. I was essentially relying on him to guide me in my path forward after college. Being a family-pride-centered person at the time, my primary goal was to make him and the rest of my family proud of me. Now, I was just a big pile of avoidance. Not only was I avoiding my feelings, but I told myself that I would know the path forward after graduation. LOL if only life were that simple.
I will say, now that I’m not in school and I’m working on this blog full-time right now, my feelings have resurfaced in a big way. Sometimes, it all feels like too much, like I let it just pile up and I don’t have the bandwidth to handle it. I’m also trying to find out what exactly will make me proud of myself. That last part is extremely tricky. I have to figure out who I am separate from the relationships I let define me.
What I’m finding is that, through self-discovery, I’m becoming a person I may not have recognized a few years ago. I’m experimenting with different hair colors (beyond blonde and brunette) that many in my family didn’t approve of me getting. Right now it’s fairly red, which a few of them have joked or argued with me about. I’ve gotten really into working out (they are actually very supportive about it) and I’m exploring the world of meditation and crystal keeping (also fodder for jokes).
As a self-conscious person, the judgment I feel over the decisions I’ve made has been very difficult for me. This is not to mention that I also am a people pleaser. The judgment occasionally makes me question whether or not I am on the right path for myself. After all, I spent so many years thinking that my family knew all the answers for me. When confronted with any sort of opposition, I have to fight that instinct to automatically agree and push my own desires to the side. This is something I’m still actively working on. While I don’t always succeed at this, it’s something I’m getting better at by the day.
I’m still sorting through the sadness about my dad. I’ve said this before and I will say it again, I’m not sure I’ll ever fully recover from the loss. Even after four years, that is okay. The memory of lost loved ones is something we will always carry with us. That is simply beautiful. I’m not sure I will ever be the same person, either. And you know what? I don’t want to be. As scary and shaky as the process of finding myself is, it is necessary work.
At the end of the day, you are the one that has to live with yourself. You have to make decisions that make you safe, happy and proud. If you are like me, and worry about what other people think constantly, just follow your anxiety to its logical conclusion or to the next step. That’s how you unravel the catastrophe. “Oh but X person might laugh at me!” Okay, and what’s the worst that comes from that? Sure, it might sting a little at first. But how do you feel about the decision you made? Don’t your feelings matter? How does it serve you to put X’s feelings above your own?
These are just some questions you can ask yourself to diminish the fear. If those intrusive thoughts and fears come back, go down the line of questions again. With how frequently I battle intrusive thoughts, I know that sometimes I’ve had to do this exercise 20 or so times in a row before my brain got tired of harassing me. It’s not always easy to train at believing in yourself but, trust me, it is always worth it.
You remind me of
A blazing pink sunset,
What I wouldn’t give
To sit in your sunshine!
And as the sky explodes
In purples and blues,
To see the stars of twilight
Pepper your eyes.
You remind me of
A bright green forest,
What I wouldn’t give
To understand your mystery!
And as fall comes
In burnt orange and yellow
To see the warmth and comfort,
You radiate.
You remind me of
A deep red rose petal,
What I wouldn’t give
To behold your beauty!
And even as the colors withered
In a dark brown or navy blue,
To see the love you have for me,
And all I have for you.
If you’ve been following this blog for a while, heck even if you just take a quick glance at the Homepage, you’ll know I write a lot of poetry about my emotions. I do this not only to vent about my own feelings, but more importantly, for people who feel similarly to me. When you are going through periods of emotional turbulence, there is nothing more essential than knowing you are not alone.
I often worry though that writing poetry about some of my saddest times sends the wrong message. I would never want to glamorize depression, anxiety or mental illness in general. When I was younger, I saw my depressive episodes as key to my art, almost like an asset. That is a highly damaging way to think. Okay, so maybe the depression provided me with a topic to write about that day, but what happens when I put the pencil down? I’m still in my pajamas at 2 pm utterly paralyzed to do anything but scream and cry. You know, just living that #influencerlife! At some point, I had to recognize the destructive nature of these patterns.
For example, yesterday, I was doing my training at the gym and part of my workout involved doing stairs. Quick thing about me if this is the first time you are seeing my work: I have Cerebral Palsy so it’s a bit harder for me to physically get around. I haven’t done stairs in awhile and it was difficult for me to lift my leg off the stair. I wasn’t properly shifting my weight. Thankfully, I had two people there that were helping me, my trainer and my friend. However, I wanted to do it by myself.
I was getting so frustrated at my inability to move that I started crying. Once the faucet turned on, it just became harder to stop. My legs were already tired, so add in my crying and they almost collapsed. My friend basically had to support all my weight (and I’m not thin, mind you) to stop me from falling. Meanwhile, they both were telling me to stop crying. However, everything I’d tried to push down during the day just resurfaced and I was feeling everything, very intensely, all at once with no words to accurately express that. Even after I stopped essentially sobbing, tears were still leaking for about half hour after.
As much as there may be good poetry in that topic, (the loss of control, the exhaustion) I do not want you to think that me making those feelings into art endorses harboring them in any way. These episodes are scary and I will admit that I need to learn better coping skills. If you have any of those, drop them in the comments! I share these experiences because, in an increasingly manufactured world, I value my authenticity. I want to share my whole self with you, Worts and all, because life’s too short to avoid self expression. Most of all, and I want to repeat this, I want you to know that you are not alone.
his poem is a companion piece to a post I made a few days ago, “Setbacks Do Not Make You a Failure”. I told you it was going to be made into a poem at some point!
I Scribble outside the lines,
In scratchy sketches
The truth lies.
Who I am today
May be thrown away.
The ink bleeds,
I crumple the paper.
Accidental rhymes,
No scheme, no plan.
Just free flowing lines
Drawn together,
Forced apart.
Patterns are broken and form
Again.
In the cramped spaces
At the edge of the page.
You are onto something great!
A work of art!
But everything is too much,
Takes up the space I need.
The ink bleeds,
I crumple the paper.
If they judged art by the smears on your hands,
My dear, you would be Picasso!
Words fill your innermost margins,
All saying
Nothing.
The ink bleeds,
I crumple the paper.
Cobble all the versions together,
Make myself Frankenstein.
Half completed,
Still searching,
Through the trails, I remain
A rough draft.
Sent from my iPhone
I’ve retitled this post several times now and I’m still not sure it’s right. I think there is another word besides gratitude that I’m trying to grasp at here. However, for now, let’s soldier on.
When I am experiencing some mental health low points, I hate when people tell me to think of all the things I have to be grateful for. It makes me feel even worse, if I can be honest. I begin to feel super selfish for my negative thoughts and that deepens the feeling of self-loathing most of the time. That is why I was hesitant to use the word “gratitude“ because, to some degree, it implies that you’ve taken things for granted. I’m not going to pass that judgment on you. I want us to instead shift our focus to something more blunt. Think of one reason you want to live. It doesn’t have to be for a milestone, a career goal or anything like that.
One time, when I was near to the end of my rope, I told myself that I had to keep going or I’d miss the new episode of WandaVision. That’s literally what kept me going that week. To some, this may seem trivial and I understand that.
The question may be, “Well, don’t you have a family, friends and a partner? Don’t you want to stay alive for them?” The short answer is yes. I love them all dearly and, a lot of times, they are the reason I carry on. However, the tricky thing about depression and anxiety is that the mind plays tricks on itself. Sometimes, you can get in spells where you think you are a massive burden.
“I’m actually a huge disappointment to my family. They see me as nothing but a burnout and I’d actually be relieving them of whatever responsibilities they have toward me. They’ll be happier, in the long run. My friends don’t like me either. They think I’m flaky/weak because whenever I get like this (which is frequently) I cancel plans or don’t answer messages. They think I’m a train wreck. I just know they talk about it when I’m not there. They’ll drop me soon, anyway. My partner doesn’t love me for me. He just likes the convenience and stability that living with me brings. If I disappeared tomorrow, he’d probably try to marry my damn house!”
Poof! Did you see that magic trick? I went from having a loving support system to fostering a secret group that’s disgusted by me and waiting for my demise. All this in no time flat! Move over, Houdini. Because of these thought patterns, the difficult truth is that they are not always my reason. Plus, the idea of something being trivial or silly is a relative concept in itself. If it kept you alive today, I would argue that’s not trivial at all. In fact, it’s extremely important!
So, back to the exercise. Think of one thing that will help you get through the day or even the next few minutes. What can you look forward to? Some pizza in the fridge from that place you like? A new movie coming out? Spending time on a hobby? Literally anything, that’s the fun part!
I hope this exercise has helped you! Be sure to follow the blog for more!
Come one, come all!
Test your stomach on our brand new attraction,
The Towering Mood Swing!
Soaring to the top of our 1,000-foot rollercoaster,
You won’t believe how fast the drop comes.
Navigate the zigs and zags down the Life Path.
The best part?
Our track is constantly changing!
Think you’ve gotten used to the ride?
HAHA
Think again, kid.
You’ll cheer,
You’ll laugh,
You’ll definitely cry…
Sometimes like a leaking faucet
And you worry
That one day, you won’t be able to
Stop! What were we talking about again?
So come on down to E-Motion Raceway today!
Experience the ride of your life.
Fun fact! This was originally an idea for a poem I’ve been working on but I shelved that for now because I just want to be blunt about how I’m feeling. It’s almost comical how many versions of myself I’ve thrown away. Now, I understand this is hardly unique to me. Change is part of the growth process for everyone and it’s in dealing with change that we become who we are supposed to be. However, I tend to throw away versions of myself rather quickly. Before I started my affirmation journal, I’d mentally set a goal for who I wanted to become. I’d say, “Okay, I’m going to take X, Y, and Z steps today and this will lead me to my goal.” Just thinking about these steps, I would get tired and maybe declare defeat after a week at most.
Then I’d set a new goal, usually something unrelated. The monologue would continue, something like, “Last week I set a goal to be more active. Well, I sat around all day today so clearly I failed. Let’s move on to something else then. Don’t want to sit in the sting of failure for too long.” Having given up on the goal to be more active, maybe I’d choose to focus on my spiritual self. “Oh shoot, I didn’t meditate or research today! Looks like I screwed up my path to spiritual awakening.” I felt like would either have to start from square one or move on to something else yet again. This would only aggravate my depressive mood swings as I’d feel absolutely worthless, lazy and generally undisciplined.
In hindsight, this pattern all just seems self-defeating. I was beginning to define myself by my tendency to fail rather than my ability to continue on. Essentially, just because you have a lazy day, it doesn’t mean you aren’t an overall active person. If you didn’t actively engage in your spiritual practice today, that doesn’t mean you aren’t still on the journey. This is a realization that has taken me 24 years to reach. Don’t get me wrong, I still get down about it all the time. However, I always remind myself that I am still worthy and doing well with my goals, even on my worst days when I don’t believe it.
Today is one of those days. I’m feeling really emotional and finding it difficult to sit down and write this. It’s like I want to crawl in a hole or sink into my bed. And I may well do that once I’m done writing. I’m no mental health professional, but I think being in your emotions is fine for awhile. If you don’t let them out, in my experience, they can fester into something that is way beyond control. However, the important thing is that we do not stay in this state of frustration, self-doubt or apathy. If we need therapy or medication to cope, as a person who uses both, I fully endorse that path as well. There should be no shame in how you are able to navigate toward your goals, as long as you are doing so with no harm to yourself or others.
Even if today is a rough draft kind of day, you are still well on your way to becoming a masterpiece.
Her eyes were a deep blue,
They were like sirens,
Calling out to you.
Stare too long and they may pull you under,
Even while drowning, you would have proclaimed it
The sweetest death.
Or maybe you preferred to choke on
The wisps of honey in her hair,
Perhaps slip and fall off
Her sloped cheeked bones.
The most dangerous of all,
A bright red warning,
To feel her lips poison you.
Through it all, you would welcome death,
If it meant a chance to be poisoned again.
You looked and noticed,
It’s as if all the world
Was on her face.
And in it,
A million little deaths.
I recently became fascinated with crystals, stones and tektites. More specifically, it’s the idea that simple items help change your vibrational energy and bring something new or help in healing processes. I know not everyone believes crystals have this power. However, in my experience, if you believe something has an affect on you, it often does. If you don’t believe there is an affect, you are not allowing it to influence you. Consequently, there is no space for that outcome in your life. The same can be said with whether or not a person and their opinions have the power to influence you. It is all a “psychosocial drama” (to quote a video I saw while researching for this post) that we put on ourselves to form our belief system about reality.
That was a long-winded way to say that I believe in the power of crystals, but if you don’t, that is also valid. This brings us to the long-anticipated (literally, the delivery took three months) arrival of my Moldavite necklace. I’ve been reading up on Moldavite for a while now and I have come to understand it as a tektite, meaning piece of rock believed to come from meteors, with a high vibrational energy.
There is a whole body of research behind vibrational energy and the TEDx Talk I am linking here explains it better than I ever could, on top of being informative and interesting! To put it in very, very basic terms, everything around us is energy. Even solid matter is just particles moving at a slower rate than say, a gas. The rhythms of our body, from our heartbeat to our pulsating skin cells, emit a frequency and creates the tune of our body so to speak. Certain states, such as depression, are considered low vibrational and can throw the tune of your body out of whack. We are essentially no longer operating at a healthy frequency. It is thought that, the more you raise your vibrational frequency, the more you are allowing space for the positive in your life, A.K.A: other high-vibrational people and things. I like to think of it as that scene in Cinderella where she sings and all the birds flock to her. If you can get your body singing, positive opportunities will be drawn to you.
I know I went off on a bit of a tangent about vibrational energy, but back to Moldavite. So, it is thought that Moldavite has a high vibrational energy. Take this with the fact that it is born from otherworldly material. What you get is a tektite that is meant to bring change in your life. From my research, a lot of people seem to, at least initially, perceive these changes as negative. However, it is said that Moldavite helps you rid the patterns, behaviors and people in life that no longer serve you. Accepting these changes can be tough, but in the end, it is meant for your betterment. At the same time, these drastic changes seem to be one of the reasons why people do not recommend Moldavite as a beginner stone. If you are not ready for these changes, it can be too much.
I’m sure a lot of people who invest in crystals will tell me that I was unwise to get Moldavite. However, I feel like I am in a space where I am ready to accept change. As I’ve mentioned in a many previous posts, I am at a stage in life where I want to reshape my existence to be the healthiest and most independent as possible. It seems like Moldavite will help me accomplish that. I will be sure to give you updates along the way! If you want to learn more about Moldavite in particular, I highly recommend the video I’m linking here!
Feeling the sun on her face,
She might just melt there…
On the grass
And be carried off on the wind,
Or propelled by the chirping birds,
They’ll carry her to the top of a mountain,
At great heights, she’ll freeze again.
Her form
Less
Fluid
Now.
Her breath,
Like hiccups,
Tears forming
Panic!
Take her away from here!
She slides down the mountain
And into a valley,
The ice falls away as her body
As she Stretches over the length of a field.
The sun greets her a second time,
As a friend.
A herd of horses gallops through,
Picking her up on their hooves.
She’s rolled on through the vast countryside,
But feels no pain.
She is simply excited to see the sun again.
I’ve grappled with this topic for some time now. I’m not saying that we should throw editing out the window, far from it. Most of my poems go through four or five rounds of edits before I post them. The main element of censorship I struggle with is the aspect of oversharing and audience comfort.
One of my first posts, “A Love Story, Interrupted”, was a poem about my mental health struggles interfering with my relationship and how I worked to balance these aspects of my life. Originally, the poem made reference to a time I was nearly driven to self harm. Thankfully, my fiancé was there and prevented me from really hurting myself. To avoid any triggering language, that is as far as I will go here. When my fiancé read the first draft, he said, “Woah, I think you went too far here. You have family that read this blog. What will they think?” At the time, I agreed and deleted the stanza.
I’m not entirely sure, if that poem were written today, that I would have made the deletion. Part of me thinks it was a smart decision. At a certain point, you run the risk of just sounding gratuitous in your writing. It may even seem like pure shock value. To me, that would be the worst crime my writing could commit. It’s like how critics blasted “13 Reasons Why” for its rather careless depictions of mental illness, violence, etc.
I always set out for my writing to be meaningful. Whether or not that is the case is for you to decide. But this is why I love poetry, especially free verse, so much. Not only can each reader have a unique interpretation, at the same time, you can make your meanings explicit or implicit through techniques of emphasis (like punctuation or words/phrases getting their own line) or rhyme scheme. I wrestled greatly with whether or not that extra stanza added meaning that needed to be told. Is it better that I said less? But shouldn’t I be allowed to say uncomfortable things? Don’t I need to start being more receptive to criticism, though? Many times, writers are forced to “kill their darlings” and edit things out that they wanted to include.
If this battle was just a one-time experience, perhaps I wouldn’t even be writing about it. However, this came up again in my more recent post about how Witchtok (witchcraft on Tiktok) saved my life. I feared backlash both from my family and other viewers. Witchcraft, as I touched on in that post, has a multitude of negative connotations. I worried that my family might even disown me or label me as “crazy”. Ultimately, the argument that won out said that I have my own life to live. I have to be happy with my output. If I didn’t share this experience, I would be excluding a very important element of my life. Something would always be missing in this body of work. Again, as I explained in “Taking Control Can Be Messy”, living solely to meet the expectations of others can lead to resentment, a loss of identity, and overall unhappiness.
The line between necessary and unnecessary self censorship can be murky. You never want to unintentionally distract from your meaning but, at least for me, it is important that writing conveys an authentic experience to some degree. A lot of times, authenticity is not so straightforward. I’m not sure anyone, myself included, has straddled the censorship line with complete success. Perhaps that’s why writing is considered an art instead of a science. However, if, after all the edits, you can say you are happy with your work, I think you are off to a great start.
Hidden Jules