Faux Dairy: A Poem of Sorts

Today I write to you from that oft-mentioned space, between anywhere and nowhere. It’s that liminal territory that exists somewhere on a fly’s wing. Lucky us, that fly just landed on Atlas’s bicep. We have plenty of space to camp out! We hope the night will visit us with mundane “normal dreams.” The love of my life whisked me away to a private island! or It was like I was the star of my own action movie! But, if patterns are to be recognized, we’ll find our mothers in bathtubs eating spiders and we’ll become fixated on blood droplets racing down gold-trimmed pages. Next morning, we stare into a mug of coffee so old that the cream is separating and ask, what does it all mean?

We’ll work together as junior sleuths scouring various forums and sites, all the while merrily self-diagnosing. Finally, we arrive at the conclusion that we’re on the verge of irreversible collapse. You know, fun for the whole family!

We’ll look to the stars because somehow it makes more sense than earthily salvation. Don’t ask me why, I just write the stuff!

I remember when I read The Naked Lunch by William S. Burroughs. I was so frustrated and unnerved by the nonsense of half-formed scenes and people. I struggled to find the through-line between even one paragraph and the next.

A: Have you ever just bashed your head into your bedroom wall? Y’know, in a fuck-it-BOOM sort of way? Not saying I have.

B: Well then, why do you ask me such a peculiar question?

A: I don’t know, man.

B: C’mon, why do you wanna know?

A: I mean, I don’t know, like have you ever thought that maybe, with enough force, you’d be able to break the fourth wall and cross into another dimension?

B: Never repeat that to anyone, dude.

A: Why?

B: That has to be the dumbest thing I ever heard.

How could it be that, on a rock with billions of people on it, the Universe would even care to conspire for or against any one of us? More importantly, how do you expect me to contemplate this at 7:00 in the morning? My coffee hasn’t even begun separating!

Somewhere in my reverie, a cold draft tickles my neck and reminds me that I’m a human being who needs a new couch, sigh. Tomorrow. Today is for dreaming about something other than soundless screams and toenail clippings.

And her hair reminded me of a summer breeze.

In fact,

Everything about her was fleeting,

And any effort to capture it in a bottle felt silly.

Why insult nature so acutely?

But if I could put her laughter in my earbuds,

Bet I would,

And this and that,

And oh my god, who the hell caaares?!

I might have, once upon a time in a better book.

Once Upon a Time in a Future Interview

Interviewer: Now, why did you write your poem like this?

Julie: I don’t know, man.

I: C’mon, tell your readers why!

J: I mean, I don’t know, have you ever considered that poetry without a set form is kind of terrifying? That the randomness refuses to let you get comfortable? I figured that in some ways, life is kinda terrifying. Why not share that? I mean it’s beautiful but terrifying, too. And isn’t that what art is trying to reconcile? The beautiful and the terrifying?

I (turning off recording): Never repeat that to anyone, dude.

Good Things Are Coming! 2/22/22

Hello all, I hope everyone is having an amazing day today! For those of you interested in numerology, angel numbers and the spiritual, today is truly an enlightening day!

In numerology, the number 2 symbolizes harmony or a union between forces. As my video above explains, 22 is the “Master Builder”, a symbol which asks us to recognize and work on our internal strengths. This could be anything from intelligence to bravery. A triple 2 is a signal to work on your creative side and allow your projects to flourish.

Within the realm of angel numbers, a repeating two displays the protection our guardians have over us. It’s an appeal to the angels’ wisdom and authority, to know that we can trust the guiding hand. So, let’s take all this and see what it means for us as we move forward.

Today is entirely dedicated to your growth! (Personally, I think we should make time every day to reflect and grow!) But today is especially important, as the “stars are aligned” so to speak and we have strong universal energy behind us. It’s likely that great strides will happen for you today so, please grant yourself the strength to trust the process.

Perhaps more than a day of growth, today let’s allow ourselves to thrive. Multiple sites I’ve looked at for today’s research say that 22222 is a sign that we should bring ourselves to a state of tranquility and balance. What does that look like?

If possible, take some time to reflect on all that you have accomplished. Remind yourself that you are worthy of all the goodness coming to you and take a minute to live in that joy. Take stock of what you have and ask yourself, “What if this was enough?” And even just for a second, allow yourself and your life to be enough.

I hope that what I shared with you today resonates. If it does, be sure to follow or subscribe to the blog for more!

A Thank You Note

On this Valentine’s Day, I wanted to take a moment to say thank you to my readers. I woke up this morning and took stock. Recently, so many of you have been engaging with my work and following the blog or my other platforms. Your support means the absolute world to me. Really, I don’t have the words to describe just how full my heart is today.

You, my readers, have seen me through my darkest times and cheered me on at my heights. I have truly found a home in this new world of being a content creator and writer. I couldn’t have possibly made that dream happen without you. My readers have made such an undeniable difference in my life and I’m thankful for each of you.

In the next few days, I’m hoping to have more poetry up for you to browse. Also, I’m working on a review of Elvira’s/Cassandra Peterson’s memoir, Yours Cruelly, Elvira. I heard a snippet of the audio book and knew I had to get my hands on a physical copy.

All in all, there’s so much I’m thinking about, so many projects I’m considering. It’s an exciting time but it’s easy to feel overwhelmed. This is especially the case when you have a tendency to think big and get exhausted by your own plans. It’s a confusing feeling to describe. However, your continued support and engagement keeps me going. I never expected to reach anybody and the community we are building floors me.

Let me know if you have suggestions for what you’d like to see on the blog. I have another short story in the works, but not as spooky as The Many Legends of Wisteria Fields! Also, if you have any book recommendations for future reviews, those are always appreciated.

A Love Letter, Unsent

I tend to experience very high highs and very low lows. So on days like today, when I am even keeled and everything‘s fine, I ask myself what brings me here. Perhaps it’s the thought of us wading in tall grass, barefoot and blossoming with the lilies. Me grabbing your hand as the sky dims to purple and feeling like I could exist here forever. Once, we were sitting on our couch with the dog. You were scrolling through TikTok while I was petting him. I had this thought that if someone were to interrupt us right now, if life needed to proceed beyond this moment, I would die.

There’s romance in the mundane, I swear it. It’s the calm security of you. People say that to love, to intertwine yourself with another, is horribly unsafe. You put the other person in a unique position to hurt you if things go wrong. I know you think we could never hurt each other, not really anyway. I know that’s wrong, but we pick our battles, right?

I agree that love is unsafe. Love is ugly and complicated. I say that without meaning to glamorize toxic relationships. Healthy, mature love is a constant state of evaluation. I don’t think it’s an exaggeration to say we fell in love with different people. Who we were at 20 and 21 is no longer us. It’s a great thing to have watched each other grow, change and figure paths out.

I think the truly beautiful thing about love is that, through all these changes and quiet periods of contemplation, we continue to choose each other. There’s no one else I’d rather have on my team.

‘Daisy Jones & The Six’, a Love Ballad to Rock and Roll

The latest YouTube video is live on my channel now! We’re talking a little plot, a little unique narrative structure, and a possible conspiracy involving Reese Witherspoon!

Confessions of a Fire Sign

As a Leo, I’m told I’m a fire sign. Most of the time that feels like a miscalculation, at best. At worst, it’s an inside joke I’m not a part of.

I can be particularly timid and likely wouldn’t speak up if you chopped off my arms. I often read confidence as arrogance and self-prioritization feels incredibly selfish. It’s possible this doesn’t need to be said, but I relate heavily to those self-help quotes that make the rounds on Instagram and Facebook. I tell myself that, from this point forward, I’ll carry myself differently. That may last a day. One time it was a whole week! (Pausing for celebration) But inevitably, I’ll sink back into my habits.

I’ll look inward, surveying with disgust how a small comment (likely not even meant to upset me) can leave me despondent and unproductive for days. It feels like a little death in a huge way. A wall of feeling racing toward me that bowls me down like a train, all because a brother implied I don’t have my priorities right. A friend made me feel like what I’m doing isn’t a job. A sister told me I crack too easily. And that made me crack, easily.

The astrological sign, Leo, is often represented as a lion.

When I think of fire signs, I think of uninhabited confidence. It seems like they draw upon a deep well of self worth. Both confidence and self worth are held extrinsically for me, at least I think so. The one thing I can say absolutely is that I am uncomfortable speaking in absolutes. Anyway, these things have to be outside of me because if someone challenges them, I’ll likely fall to pieces. And that’s the danger of holding these values outside of yourself. Those glass orbs can break any time.

The only time I feel like a fire sign is if I’m well and truly cornered. If I’m in an argument and things are starting to feel hopeless, if I feel trapped, I will literally feel a fire starting in my chest. A burning, chaotic energy that cares for no one and seeks destruction. I say things I regret, not always because I’m sorry, but because I didn’t want to expose my true feelings. I didn’t want to damage a perception I worked hard to create because telling the truth is exhausting. It’s much easier to let the other person have their way and I just go on with my quiet resentments until I die a bitter woman in my rocking chair.

I cry loud and hard like a wounded animal. I openly embarrass myself and I don’t care because I just want it to end. I’m willing everything around me to spontaneously combust so I can disappear in the smoke. I want to scream! Can’t you see I’m trying! But it’s not the way others want me to try so I guess they can’t see it or it doesn’t matter. But why does it matter what anybody else thinks? Ask that to my rumbling glass orbs because I, myself, can’t tell you.

My confidence and self worth are unceremoniously broken every five to seven business days so none of this is new. But a lot of times I ask myself why I bother with it at all. Why don’t I just unzip my skin suit and live in a tree? In truth, I haven’t ruled that out yet. But I guess the mere fact that I get up and *try* each day in my own way, despite all the noise, is how I know I’m a fire sign.

Good Times, Baby!

And it was a love like Pink Moscato in a cracked wine glass.
So sweet and bubbly,
So busy rising that I didn’t feel the cuts
Or didn’t care,
Not sure what’s worse.
And anyway, what about the good times??
The hysterical haze of possibility,
When you took me in your arms and I felt secure
But enlivened by a closeness to danger.
Harnessed to reality while dangling over the edge
Of a canyon.
Intrusive thoughts told me to live on impulse,
Told me to take the plunge,
So I did.
Because in our early 20s, such things are romanticized.
We bleed for our Great Loves, Romeo!
I free fell into the darkest depths,
Flew into the burning orange hues of sunsets
And screaming rage,
Stained my nights with yearnings and fluorescent tears
I felt out of control,
I was a different person,
And I liked it…
Now, I’m laying in bed,
Memories come into focus through the static,
But I try not to dwell
Because I know at some point,
I’ll have to turn out the light.

The Top of the Stack

This poem was at the top of the stack,
Amid all the other Notes App ramblings
Sent to the Archive to die.
Half-formed sentiments
Shrouded in glittering purple brain fog.
Euphoria? Is that you?
Here lies Cringe (???? – 2022)
Who served no one.
I had to destroy it in order to post this,
Walking away from embarrassment
With the heels of my shoes busted,
Eyes bleeding.

As I fade into the night,
Backlit by neon green
Flashing signs,
Fear rising randomly in my throat,
I ask myself
If I have come away any wiser,
And I sigh into my bruised hands,
Because I know,
Inevitably,
Acutely,
Disastrously,
The answer is no.

Nonetheless, I move on,
Glancing behind the mop of washed-out red hair,
I type in the hopes that clarity will come,
But you know she is elusive,
And a bit too proper anyway.
Give me my messy, monstrous manic episodes,
D*ddy.
Yes, censorship is necessary!
I have family that reads this, you know.
I can already sense my mom’s concern,
Like Spider-Man, but with ~ Family Trauma ~
Erratic splashes of yellow paint against canvas,
Twirl the brush as I pirouette across the floor.
Self-deprecating jokes,
Not so funny anymore.

And we have arrived at last.
The battle for the last line!
Will she say something funny, sad, witty even?
I put my phone down,
And sigh to no one in particular,
Because I know,
Inevitably,
Acutely,
Disastrously,
The answer
Is

My Body is a Temple BUT…

In today’s video, we discuss the confusing intersection between health and spirituality. Everyone has their own opinions and that can make it all the more difficult to decipher the path that is best for each of us. But I’m interested in what you guys have learned throughout your journeys. How do you balance the different opinions with your own spiritual beliefs?

Let’s Discuss: Is Destiny Fixed?

Is destiny fixed? This common philosophical question popped into my head last night and it won’t leave me alone.

I was watching Astral Journey on HBO Max, a Portuguese-language show that dedicates each episode to a different sun sign (Leo, Virgo, Libra…etc.). For each episode, two guests come on and explain how their astrology has dictated the path of their life in some way. The hosts are apt to say things like, “Oh, that’s classic Aries!” or “The stars indicate you chose this career path because you are outgoing.”

I started to really think about whether or not the journey of someone’s life is, in fact, cemented in the stars when they are born. This thought led me down a rabbit hole of astrological birth charts I have yet to escape. I did mine through California Psychics and was so floored by the accuracy that I soon bothered family with it. And today, I’ve moved onto asking friends if they want me to generate a chart for them. Of course, I did this with the same subtlety of a childhood friend asking you to join their pyramid scheme. Delicacy is not my strong suit. And no, this post is not sponsored by California Psychics, though it should be ;).

Essentially, these astrological birth charts tell you the position of the planets and stars at the time you were born. If you know the clock time of your birth, this reading can be all the more accurate to your life. The sun sign of Cancer may have been in Mercury when you were born. Well, that explains your shyness. These charts give you insights into your current life position, some of your past and even your future outlook. The chart I received told me different aspects of my personality I need to work on to achieve my highest self.

Many critics of astrology say that these sites and practitioners spew empty platitudes at you that could be true about anyone or they hedge their declarations with contradictions: “This signal is related to love. I see it being very active. It could either mean you will have a forever marriage or a great love that ends in divorce.” No matter how things shake out, the report is unlikely to be wrong. And yes, my birth chart mainly confirmed things I already felt about myself.

These criticisms all have their place in the discussion. My experience with astrology has mainly been positive and a force for improvement in my life. That is really all the reason I need for following it. Because we are dealing in the realm of the intangible, no one can say for certain if this is all hocus-pocus or in fact has merit.

The question I am more interested in is whether destiny is fixed or changeable. It’s something that spiritualists seem to have dividing opinions on. As a lot of you know, I’ve talked at length about manifestation on this page. One of the key elements of that practice is to attract the things that are meant for you by embodying the energy of fulfillment. However, doesn’t that also imply that I can deter the things that are meant for me too? How can I lose that which I am destined to receive?

These questions ultimately spur my anxiety and probably prevent me from entering into the appropriate energetic space. However, it can’t be ignored that my birth chart insights were absolute about my financial future and, in the next line, said I would achieve career success if I didn’t doubt myself. 1.) I think that is good advice BUT 2.) If it truly is written in the stars, how could any of it be conditional by design?

I don’t claim to have answers to any of this. In fact, the main reason I’m putting it out there is in the hopes of starting a conversation. I want those more educated than myself to weigh in here or fellow spiritual beginners to share what they are learning.

On the one hand, I think there is a level of comfort, at least for me, in the thought that destiny is pre-planned. The thought brings order to chaos. All of the horrible things, missed opportunities, joys, happiness, failure, sadness, it is all part of the grand design. Everything happens for a reason. Though a part of that view is incredibly limiting. If I really am such a Leo, doesn’t that eliminate a lot of room for analysis?What’s the point of the journey if you are going to get to the destination regardless?