The night is still but her mind is racing, Somewhere between midnight and forever, She realizes she must continue on. Where is the bravery in tears That fall down her cheek? Gasping for air, If you don’t listen too close, It almost sounds like laughter.
Grow up. Stop it. Calm down. Baby! Why are you like this? Don’t know or don’t care to find out, Is there a difference?
Be happy! Smile. So simple, Stay humble. Many have it harder, Yes, you know
Breathe deeply, You’re fine. It’s all in your head, You have control. Tell that to the darkness, Taking his toll.
Rain in her chest, The moon in her mouth, Screaming, but nothing comes out. Be grateful for what you have, It’s nothing more than that. A 20-something with nothing to show, But the rain in her chest, Turned to silver snow.
I feel like, when you headline a post with a question, the implication is that answers will follow as you continue reading. I will not make such a bold guarantee here. As I mentioned in “Taking Control Can Be Messy”, my life is dominated by questions right now. This question of judgment is just one that I want to look at a little closer.
Now, I’m not saying that all forms of judgment purely exist inside our heads. Though, you may disagree with me depending on your definition of reality. Criticism is typically meant to be taken at face value, especially when it is in good faith. Perhaps I can best explain the kind of judgment I’m talking about through an example.
The other day, I was out for a walk with my mom and we were stopped by a neighbor. She asked what I was doing right now and I said that I’d taken a break from school and was focusing mainly on this blog. She responded, “Oh, that’s nice.” For some reason, this seemingly neutral comment activated my anxiety-ruled lizard brain. I thought, She’s totally judging you right now. She thinks you are wasting your life. And you probably are! Wow, maybe everyone was right about you growing up. You won’t amount to anything. You lazy lunatic! Go suck it up and get a real job! With a combination of perceived judgement and catastrophizing, I felt ready to cry over someone who, in reality, didn’t say anything close to that.
Feel free to judge me for this old photo.
The thoughts I was having got me to pause for a second. Was all this a projection? Was I attributing my own thoughts to someone else in an effort to validate my negative feelings? Most likely, yes. Bet you weren’t expecting me to answer that so succinctly. But why was I experiencing this projection? I’m genuinely happy putting more work into the blog and I haven’t felt this fulfilled in a long time. So why would I feel so negative about it and care what other people think in general? Sure, I think a lot of it comes from my upbringing. To put it simply, my siblings found great success in their careers, especially when it comes to financial security. And I was raised to value financial comfort/stability above all else.
I’m not saying I regret being brought up this way and I don’t think it is a bad way to raise your children. At the end of the day, we should not glamorize poverty and we need money to live, that’s just the facts. However, while I work to get this blog off the ground, I am not earning an income. To not be earning is to be wasting time or merely feeding a hobby. This ultimately leads to a rush of negative thoughts and self-doubt in what I’m setting out to do. Occasionally, my inner monologue says that I’m wasting my time and that I should be putting energy into something that is guaranteed to make money. It is often extremely difficult for me to break these negative thought patterns. I feel disgustingly privileged at times to have the option to pursue this full-time. At the same time, I understand that all this might sound horribly self-piteous.
Many people have told me that I would be much happier if I didn’t spend so much time thinking about my inner processes or the “why” behind my thoughts. These same people tend to advocate that I should let these thoughts pass by like rolling waves and that fixation is key to the problem. Perhaps they’re right to some extent but I disagree because understanding the self is important to breaking destructive habits. If I understand why I think way I do, I can dismantle the anxiety at the source by showing that the “why” is irrational. Also, worse comes to worse, I can fall back on the old adage that the unexamined life is not a life lived.
I think it’s really easy to say, “Oh, just stop caring what everyone else thinks! Everyone is too wrapped up in their own lives to really care what you have going on.” Despite the fact that I agree with that second part, not caring what everybody else thinks is an oversimplification of the problem. Not only is it difficult for me, as a chronic people pleaser, to not care, but I feel like we are hard-wired to feel shame. Contrapoints, a popular philosophy YouTuber, made an excellent video on this. I encourage you to check it out if you can! The feelings of shame we get from judgment come from our deeply ingrained societal expectations. We are essentially policing ourselves to carry on expected behaviors so that we live in a more stable society. Though shame can be emotionally destructive, it does serve some purpose in the right doses. At the risk of sounding bitter, many of the people who tell me to stop caring are also deeply self-conscious in their own lives. So, maybe instead of not caring at all, it should be a question of intensity.
In other words, perhaps I assign too much weight to the opinions of others. This could be because I don’t have enough confidence in my own judgment. I don’t doubt this is the case, especially because I’ve only recently started my path to independence. Sometimes I feel like a baby deer trapped in a 24-year-old’s body. I can only hope that, as I grow into my own identity, the opinions of others will not hit so hard.
Judgment, criticism and feedback all have their places in society. And I don’t think we should live an entirely shameless existence, despite what all those painted quotes from HomeGoods would have you believe. Self-confidence is important to facing down any situation life can throw at you. I’m beginning to understand that self-confidence is cultivated when reconciling the many different opinions around you with your own. At the end of the day, I have to trust that I’m on the right path for myself.
I hope this also resonated with you! I’m interested in hearing your stories with self-confidence and shame. If you want to share, be sure to comment below!
When I worked as an editorial assistant, my editor told me that you shouldn’t headline a piece before you’ve written it. The idea seemed to be that, if you write the headline first, you limit yourself to having a one-track mind about the story. You could lose sight of other important details, that are potentially more newsworthy, for the sake of connecting the story back to your headline. Well, today, I broke that rule. Believing in your worthiness is a concept I want to shout from the rooftops! In fact, I considered just making this a one line post (deleting the Witchtok portion) and leaving it at that. However, I thought it would be more helpful to explain what I mean rather than just scream at the top of my lungs.
Recently, I’ve gotten a lot of questions about why I chose to start posting again or why I stopped for a while in the first place. I mean, sure, I did have a bad case of writer’s block, but that’s not the real reason. In March of last year, after my post about quarantine, I began to wonder why I was posting. It felt a little narcissistic. Here people are, going through what are probably the hardest times in living memory. What did I have to say? Nothing profound, I thought. Could I say anything to make it better? Probably not. That was the tennis match of questions and answers going through my head. Even broader than that, I questioned why anyone would want to hear about my life or writing at all. Wasn’t it presumptuous of me to post about it? I went into this rabbit hole of insignificance, you might call it. This only added to the dark thoughts I was already experiencing at the time, which I talked about in my previous post.
My mindset only changed when I discovered the witchy side of Tiktok (which can be found through searching #witchtok, #witches, #babywitch, etc. on the app). To be honest, I’m not sure how these videos started getting recommended to me or how they came up on my For You Page. I always thought witchcraft was a dark, evil practice built on devil worship and animal sacrifice. Is it just me or is my Catholic upbringing showing?
Is this not the most fitting affirmation journal?
Now, I’m not even going to pretend that I know all there is to know about the practice. I’ve come to understand that some videos on Tiktok (shockingly) misrepresent the practice. What’s more, there are a multitude of different ways to practice: rituals, spell work, energy work, communing with spirit guides, meditation, the list goes on. I’ve only just scratched the surface in my research. However, one of my biggest takeaways from the videos and literature I’ve seen is that self-belief is the core component to anything you set out to do. I understand that this might seem like a basic concept but it can be extremely difficult in practice.
For the longest time, I thought I wasn’t capable of much, that I had so little to offer. The belief translated to behavioral changes, near complete apathy and hopelessness. This became a pattern in my life.
Witchtok taught me that there is magic in the mundane. Through affirmation and practice, you can become who you want to be. As a romantic at heart, there is something wonderous in that notion. In the spirit of transformation, I started an affirmation journal. I wrote down all the things I needed to hear and wanted to create in my daily life. Things like:
I am the type of person who enjoys exercise.
I am the type of person who drinks water frequently throughout the day.
I enjoy being outdoors.
I am loved.
However, at the top of the list, in capital letters, I wrote: I AM WORTHY. I tell myself that I am worthy of people’s time and attention, that I do have important things to share and I shouldn’t apologize for wanting/needing to share them. Of course, the hard part of affirmations for me is actually living in their truth. I actually had to start doing the things I wrote down! I will pause for a moment while you gasp…For a little while, and still from time to time, it feels like I’m playing pretend. This is because I routinely lived in the polar opposite of these affirmations. However, with enough practice, I know this will lead to behavior changes, habit formation, and a re-definition of myself.
Before you gather your pitchforks and torches, know that I’m not saying you need to run off and join a coven. Though, if you want to, I’m not stopping you! 😉 All I’m saying is that you are so powerful. All you need is within you. It may take time to recognize that power and there is no rush to it. In my experience, answers come when they are meant to.
I always struggle with how to start posts about my life. Maybe that’s why I rarely talk about it and try to stick to the more abstract forms of writing, like poetry. I sometimes don’t know where the line is between regular conversation over sharing. After all, overly-emotional outpouring on the Internet is a pillar of meme culture. Though, maybe becoming a meme wouldn’t be the worst thing. (Anything for clout, amirite?)
Hair dye always helps an existential crisis.
I think the real reason I wanted to make this post is the same reason why I’ve been running from it. I regularly deal with high anxiety. Because of that, unanswered questions, the ones that hang judgmentally in the air, are the bane of my existence. And lately, it feels like I’m unsure how to answer the most basic of questions. Someone simply asking, “How are you?” is enough to throw me into panic mode. I’ll try to steer the conversation away from me and onto something else as quickly as possible. It’s really a disturbing trend I’ve been noticing over the past year or so. And no, the irony is not lost on me that I’m making a blog post, about my life, explaining how much I hate talking about my life. I wanted to get these feelings out there, though, because I know I can’t be the only one.
I’ve been spending a lot of time trying to figure out where this anxiety is coming from, both in therapy and through meditation. One of the possible conclusions is that I’m not following a traditional career path right now. In my first post on Hidden Jules, “First Impressions are Everything“, I mentioned that my life was very much in a state of flux. I recommend you check out that post because it provides a lot of backstory on me but the TL;DR is that:
1.) I’m a woman with Cerebral Palsy
2.) In late 2019, I completed an internship and soon after, left a job
3.) I wasn’t sure where my life was headed and I was excited(?) about my future prospects.
It’s not like I haven’t made any progress on the prospects front. In the time since that post, I applied to, and started attending, law school. It’s been a great opportunity and I’m thankful to everyone who got me there, but lately I’ve been wondering if I’m meant to go back. It’s no secret that law school is a lot of pressure and tends to become highly stressful. During the semester, I struggled with severe depression, anxiety and much darker thoughts that I don’t care to elaborate on. It’s an odd place to be in because I have a lot of competing thoughts. The staff at my school have been nothing short of supportive and wonderful, both when it comes to my coursework and mental health. I understand that attending law school is an opportunity many people would kill for. Me complaining about the stress at times makes me feel like an ungrateful weakling. (In case it wasn’t apparent, I also need to work on my negative self talk.) There’s the common saying that keeps dogging me: “Nothing worth doing is ever easy.” Do I just need to buck up and push on or is it something more than that?
My alternative would be to get a job. I’ve been looking, on and off, but I face the pressure from family who want me to stay in law school, my own uncertainty, and my lack of knowledge on what would be a fitting career path for me. All of this creates a thunderstorm of panic, making me wish the floor would open up and swallow me whole.
In truth, it hasn’t all been thunderstorms. Reviving this blog has been one of few things I’ve felt passionate about for months. I take that as a sign that perhaps I can make a path out of blogging. Another piece of good news, my long-time boyfriend and I got engaged in December. Even though starting a life together comes with its own list of questions, I’m excited to answer those with him.
I’ve been working more on my physical health too, working out regularly and beginning to use crutches more often. I believe one of the keys to happiness is living as independently as you can. The more someone relies on others, the less control that person ultimately has.
A picture we took of me practicing on the crutches for the first time!
I truly am taking control of my life, though I wouldn’t blame you if you thought it didn’t look like it. This is what it looks like to finally be picking up the pieces after much of my life was dictated by what others thought was best. I won’t lie to you. I’m still in the mindset of wanting to please others, but I’m recognizing that I want to break out of that. It takes time to figure out what you want. That is especially the case when you haven’t had to do serious self analysis for 20-plus years. I’m building the tools I need for that analysis now.
Even though I ended my first blog post waxing poetic about being a phoenix, burning all the old stuff down and starting new, I don’t really believe in that philosophy anymore. So, if it’s not too late, put the match down. Yes, there’s been dark times (for all of us, I mean, we’re getting through a pandemic) but I don’t want to forget them. I want to use them as lessons to better cope with the future and all the answers to come.
If this post resonated with you, be sure to like, comment and share! Thank you for the support so far.
People ask me When exactly I saw the flame in your eyes Burn out. To them I say, “Oh perhaps it was just yesterday.” A momentary lapse No doubt.
They do not know How I saw the pain grow How your movements Grew slow. I watch your smile wilt, Swallowed all the guilt. All the feelings HERE, Nothing to show.
We mourn for the happy times, Oh, to bring back the light in your eyes! To hear the music of your laugh! No sound. People ask me When exactly You will come Around. To them I say, “What was lost, can be found.”
Earlier today, I posed a challenge to my Instagram and Facebook followers. I want you to comment some crazy, outlandish or otherwise fantastical writing prompts. You can use your imagination and get the creative juices flowing! I might use your idea in a future blog post (and obviously credit you in the post). These can be prompts for short stories, poems or whatever you like! My one rule is that anything hateful, offensive or discriminatory will not be tolerated.
I’m mostly just excited to see what you all are thinking about! Oh, and since I can’t miss an opportunity to plug the socials, go check out Hidden Jules on Facebook and Instagram, linked above!
My dog, Cubby, also wants to be involved in the process.
*This poem is inspired by a guided meditation I did, led by Jeffrey Allen. I definitely recommend checking it out, if you can! In the meditation, he guides listeners to what he calls “The Field of Infinite Potential.” However, I resonated more with the thought of a valley. So, here we are!*
She lies in the grass, The tall blades feel like they might envelop her, Push her into the earth and leave her Somewhere in the small spaces Between past and present, The sky is awash in light pink and violet hues, Fireflies dance overhead, A waltz of frosty white orbs.
What will she do next? Nothing and everything. Simple. All she must do is lie there, Answers will come in their time.
She notes the dew drops forming On her fingertips, Peering inside the droplets, she sees A swirl of images. Far-away deserts, Uninhabited beaches with turquoise waters, And some other sights she can’t put into words. Ones she feels in her body, Like belly laughter thundering up the throat. Like the electric giddiness of dropping from great heights on a rollercoaster.
What will she do next? Nothing and everything. Simple. All she must do is lie there, Answers will come in their time.
The moon is rising now, The fullness of it brings her peace, A shining certainty in a world She doesn’t quite comprehend. Is she meant to know it?
What will she do next? Nothing and everything. Simple. All she must do is lie there, Answers will come in their time.
I think the saddest part is that I can’t live the illusion anymore.
Liked to pretend he was a Wolf playing dangerously with your heart. Didn’t care because that’s part of being young, passionate, mysterious. Right?
The Wolf tore through your shield, Your breastplate of steel. Didn’t take very long for the Wolf to behold your flesh and bone.
Allowed him to dig his claws into your chest, You felt the sting But didn’t let it linger because “It isn’t that serious!” “He can’t hurt me.” “He’ll want the same things as me…one day.”
Let the Wolf play as he might! Why were you shocked when You felt him bite? You allowed yourself to believe, He might just love you.
But don’t be mistaken, He is Wild! And wild animals follow their whims like waves Guide boats ashore.
And you said He can hold your heart in his mouth, You ache as it bleeds between his teeth. Crushed in the pain Brought on by years of the chase.
Still, you gaze at his amber eyes. You bring your attention to The ruby stream flowing from his Lips.
Forgetting your tears, you allow yourself to look. Because for all it was, The sight of him is Beautiful.
I know I’ve been on a hiatus from this blog for a little more than a month, but I’m back and want to start posting weekly again, perhaps more frequently than that. I don’t have a very good excuse for why I was away so long apart from the fact that my creative brain was out of ideas. Yes, as some of you who read this know, I have been studying for the Law School Admission Test (LSAT) but that rarely takes up a majority of my day and I want to start making more time for this.
I want to talk a bit about “managing your interruptions” as my dad used to say. Essentially, the idea is to focus wholeheartedly on the task at hand. In an age where our phone notifies us about every little thing, emails coming through; engagements on social media or calendar reminders, it can be easy to become overwhelmed and stretch yourself too thin amid a number of tasks. At that point, it is important to prioritize what needs your attention first, then tell yourself you will get to the other things later. To some of you, this may seem like basic advice. It’s something I know I’ve heard plenty of times in one form or another throughout my life, though I like the way my dad put it best. It’s also advice that I frequently forget about and go on to have panic attacks galore. So, I think it bares repeating.
As I sit here writing this, my mom and I are entering day 2 of self-quarantine due to the coronavirus. I’ve worried a great deal for my mom and grandma, given they are at the ages for which coronavirus tends to be most lethal. Markets are wildly fluctuating, often experiencing steep drops. Many of my friends and family are out of work. I’m struggling with the idea that I may not see many of my loved ones for a long time to come. With everyone now struggling in their own ways, you may have stopped reading already or be screaming at me, “Julie, what are you talking about?! Everything is shutting down. The amount of distractions available to us is dwindling by the second.” But I’m not talking about traditional distractions here. I think plenty of us, definitely myself, are distracted by the amount of things we are losing to this pandemic. The constant news coverage and recommendations that arise every day have inspired panic and sorrow.
Now is a more important time than ever to prioritize our responsibilities, our obligation to our mental and physical health, because if you don’t have your health, what do you have, really? When news of the coronavirus first broke, I didn’t take it too seriously. I thought, “I’m 23. I’ll be fine.” However, this virus has effected people of all ages. Some indications point to things getting worse before it gets better, though no one seems to know for sure. Also, I have to think about the people who wouldn’t be fine if I spread the virus to them. So, these are the circumstances we find ourselves in. We must try to make the best of this situation if we want to preserve our health and the health of our loved ones.
You may even find this to be a good opportunity to reconnect with yourself and your creativity. Brainstorm positive ways to find happiness in this time while practicing appropriate social distancing. Many people have lost a lot to this pandemic. I am in no way trying to minimize that. However, I firmly believe you do not have to stop living; you may just have to find new ways to carry on.
Below, I’ve included links suggesting how someone could continue their routines in quarantine. I hope you all stay safe. Remember, now it is possibly more important than ever to prioritize you and yours.
Hidden Jules 