A Thought Exercise in Gratitude

I’ve retitled this post several times now and I’m still not sure it’s right. I think there is another word besides gratitude that I’m trying to grasp at here. However, for now, let’s soldier on.

When I am experiencing some mental health low points, I hate when people tell me to think of all the things I have to be grateful for. It makes me feel even worse, if I can be honest. I begin to feel super selfish for my negative thoughts and that deepens the feeling of self-loathing most of the time. That is why I was hesitant to use the word “gratitude“ because, to some degree, it implies that you’ve taken things for granted. I’m not going to pass that judgment on you. I want us to instead shift our focus to something more blunt. Think of one reason you want to live. It doesn’t have to be for a milestone, a career goal or anything like that.

One time, when I was near to the end of my rope, I told myself that I had to keep going or I’d miss the new episode of WandaVision. That’s literally what kept me going that week. To some, this may seem trivial and I understand that.

The question may be, “Well, don’t you have a family, friends and a partner? Don’t you want to stay alive for them?” The short answer is yes. I love them all dearly and, a lot of times, they are the reason I carry on. However, the tricky thing about depression and anxiety is that the mind plays tricks on itself. Sometimes, you can get in spells where you think you are a massive burden.

“I’m actually a huge disappointment to my family. They see me as nothing but a burnout and I’d actually be relieving them of whatever responsibilities they have toward me. They’ll be happier, in the long run. My friends don’t like me either. They think I’m flaky/weak because whenever I get like this (which is frequently) I cancel plans or don’t answer messages. They think I’m a train wreck. I just know they talk about it when I’m not there. They’ll drop me soon, anyway. My partner doesn’t love me for me. He just likes the convenience and stability that living with me brings. If I disappeared tomorrow, he’d probably try to marry my damn house!”

Poof! Did you see that magic trick? I went from having a loving support system to fostering a secret group that’s disgusted by me and waiting for my demise. All this in no time flat! Move over, Houdini. Because of these thought patterns, the difficult truth is that they are not always my reason. Plus, the idea of something being trivial or silly is a relative concept in itself. If it kept you alive today, I would argue that’s not trivial at all. In fact, it’s extremely important!

So, back to the exercise. Think of one thing that will help you get through the day or even the next few minutes. What can you look forward to? Some pizza in the fridge from that place you like? A new movie coming out? Spending time on a hobby? Literally anything, that’s the fun part!

I hope this exercise has helped you! Be sure to follow the blog for more!