Taking Control Can Be Messy

I always struggle with how to start posts about my life. Maybe that’s why I rarely talk about it and try to stick to the more abstract forms of writing, like poetry. I sometimes don’t know where the line is between regular conversation over sharing. After all, overly-emotional outpouring on the Internet is a pillar of meme culture. Though, maybe becoming a meme wouldn’t be the worst thing. (Anything for clout, amirite?)

I think the real reason I wanted to make this post is the same reason why I’ve been running from it. I regularly deal with high anxiety. Because of that, unanswered questions, the ones that hang judgmentally in the air, are the bane of my existence. And lately, it feels like I’m unsure how to answer the most basic of questions. Someone simply asking, “How are you?” is enough to throw me into panic mode. I’ll try to steer the conversation away from me and onto something else as quickly as possible. It’s really a disturbing trend I’ve been noticing over the past year or so. And no, the irony is not lost on me that I’m making a blog post, about my life, explaining how much I hate talking about my life. I wanted to get these feelings out there, though, because I know I can’t be the only one.

I’ve been spending a lot of time trying to figure out where this anxiety is coming from, both in therapy and through meditation. One of the possible conclusions is that I’m not following a traditional career path right now. In my first post on Hidden Jules, “First Impressions are Everything“, I mentioned that my life was very much in a state of flux. I recommend you check out that post because it provides a lot of backstory on me but the TL;DR is that:

1.) I’m a woman with Cerebral Palsy

2.) In late 2019, I completed an internship and soon after, left a job

3.) I wasn’t sure where my life was headed and I was excited(?) about my future prospects.

It’s not like I haven’t made any progress on the prospects front. In the time since that post, I applied to, and started attending, law school. It’s been a great opportunity and I’m thankful to everyone who got me there, but lately I’ve been wondering if I’m meant to go back. It’s no secret that law school is a lot of pressure and tends to become highly stressful. During the semester, I struggled with severe depression, anxiety and much darker thoughts that I don’t care to elaborate on. It’s an odd place to be in because I have a lot of competing thoughts. The staff at my school have been nothing short of supportive and wonderful, both when it comes to my coursework and mental health. I understand that attending law school is an opportunity many people would kill for. Me complaining about the stress at times makes me feel like an ungrateful weakling. (In case it wasn’t apparent, I also need to work on my negative self talk.) There’s the common saying that keeps dogging me: “Nothing worth doing is ever easy.” Do I just need to buck up and push on or is it something more than that?

My alternative would be to get a job. I’ve been looking, on and off, but I face the pressure from family who want me to stay in law school, my own uncertainty, and my lack of knowledge on what would be a fitting career path for me. All of this creates a thunderstorm of panic, making me wish the floor would open up and swallow me whole.

In truth, it hasn’t all been thunderstorms. Reviving this blog has been one of few things I’ve felt passionate about for months. I take that as a sign that perhaps I can make a path out of blogging. Another piece of good news, my long-time boyfriend and I got engaged in December. Even though starting a life together comes with its own list of questions, I’m excited to answer those with him.

I’ve been working more on my physical health too, working out regularly and beginning to use crutches more often. I believe one of the keys to happiness is living as independently as you can. The more someone relies on others, the less control that person ultimately has.

I truly am taking control of my life, though I wouldn’t blame you if you thought it didn’t look like it. This is what it looks like to finally be picking up the pieces after much of my life was dictated by what others thought was best. I won’t lie to you. I’m still in the mindset of wanting to please others, but I’m recognizing that I want to break out of that. It takes time to figure out what you want. That is especially the case when you haven’t had to do serious self analysis for 20-plus years. I’m building the tools I need for that analysis now.

Even though I ended my first blog post waxing poetic about being a phoenix, burning all the old stuff down and starting new, I don’t really believe in that philosophy anymore. So, if it’s not too late, put the match down. Yes, there’s been dark times (for all of us, I mean, we’re getting through a pandemic) but I don’t want to forget them. I want to use them as lessons to better cope with the future and all the answers to come.

If this post resonated with you, be sure to like, comment and share! Thank you for the support so far.