Stuckness

My mom has a phrase that has accurately described my life at various points, especially as a writer. It is the phenomenon of being “stuck in stuckness.” Often, I’ve used this term to ease my anxiety during writer’s block. Part of my anxiety includes “catastrophizing” events. During writer’s block, I might go from “I can’t come up with the words to write right now,” to “I will never be able to write again,” to “What if I’m never able to do any work again?” and finally, drumroll please, “OH MY GOD, I’M GOING TO END UP LIVING IN A BOX!” All roads lead to catastrophe. However, the “stuck in stuckness” idea tends to give me a sense of calm. “I’m not going to spend the rest of my life in this slump, I’m just stuck in stuckness for right now.”

I could see why my conclusion here makes no sense. You might think, “Wouldn’t you be worried about being stuck in stuckness for the rest of your life given how your anxiety works?” You have a point. I have no idea why my brain responds well to this theory of “stuckness.” It just feels like a temporary state. Also, it gives expression to an emotional state that I don’t think I could describe otherwise. My writer’s block usually applies to more than my writing. People get writer’s block all the time but what happens when you feel like you can’t do anything for extended periods of time? What is that feeling? Not being able to give it a name makes it all the more evil and seemingly inescapable. So, I call it stuckness.

Stuckness is like you’re a computer that’s been “Preparing to Shut Down” but can’t quite get there. You’re past the point where can get any work done but you can’t completely turn your mind off to recharge. You have a dim awareness buzzing in the back of your mind that you should be doing something but can’t bring yourself to do it. Your fingers are frozen. Your eyes are tired. And your mind is incoherent.

Spoiler alert: I’ve been going through stuckness this week. I’ve been working through it, still getting things done and keeping my schedule. But it’s hard. Even writing this, I feel like I’m rambling a bit and not getting to the heart of what I want to say. This spills into social situations too. When I was around my friends this week, I felt like I was fluctuating wildly between morbidly quiet and nervously over animated. This is because I’m painfully aware that I do not feel like myself at the moment. In all aspects of my life, I’m stuck in this odd gear that prevents me from fully relaxing and being myself.

I know this feeling will pass, as it always does. I just have to keep fighting through it. The whole reason I’m writing this post is for anyone who feels similarly and might not be able to name it. If naming it brings you comfort, then you might just want to tell yourself that you are “stuck in stuckness” right now. And that’s okay.