First Impressions are Everything

I have to say I’m a little nervous, mainly because I believe the title of this blog post is true. I thought a lot about how to start things off. Do I start with a poem? A short story? At the end of the day, I decided to start with me and see where we go from there. My real life, my goals and dreams, informs a lot of my writing, so here it goes.

I’m a 23-year-old woman figuring out how to thrive in this world. I, like many people, did not picture my life where it is today. Though I recently completed an internship at a wonderful magazine, I have literally NO IDEA where I’m going next. I understand that this is hardly a unique position but it’s been a hard lesson to learn that life doesn’t always turn out how you picture it. It’s been quite some time since I had a clear picture where my life was headed next but I always thought I would have it figured out by now. I mean, I’m out of college. That was my hard deadline, right? To think that this might not be true really shook my worldview. I studied and practiced journalism for the last four years. A good portion of my life operated around deadlines, and when the biggest deadline of my life came and went with only some progress, I went through somewhat of a breakdown.

Okay, truth time: In mid-November, I took a position (after my internship) but left after only a few weeks because I was so wildly in over my head and unhappy. I love writing and a big portion of the job had to do with finances. A little more about me: Math makes me nauseous. The people were amazing but the work was causing tremendous anxiety. So I left. That’s been a difficult thing for me to admit as well because I’ve never actually quit anything before. I also think I have a bit of a complex when it comes to failure.

I was born with Cerebral Palsy and use a walker to walk. Growing up, especially in the school system, I faced a lot of doubt. Some teachers doubted I could be included in Gen Ed classes. There were doubts about all of my abilities essentially. Luckily, I have a strong support system and with their help, I was able to succeed. I started taking Honors and AP classes in high school. I even finished college early. I felt like I’d won against the people that doubted me. I WAS VICTORIOUS! AND NOW, what?

I can’t fail, that’s for sure! I can’t prove them right. But what is success and what is failure at this stage? That’s what I’m working to figure out.

I hope the tone of this post doesn’t come across too nebulous or bleak. There are some things, some important things, I feel I’ve figured out. I know I love to write and I’m at a stage in my life where I can afford to pursue what makes me happy.

I think the best way to end this post is to note the fact that I recently got a tattoo of a phoenix on my ankle. The sentiment behind that is sometimes we have to burn our lives down, purge yourself of the toxic relationships and harmful preconceived notions. From the ashes, you are able to rise anew and stronger. It can be scary because we’re abandoning what is familiar but that’s how we grow.